introspection*

i am bleary eyed right now. i just got done with a marathon of a cataloging class. what we went over she kept saying that we really didn't need to know how to do because we can just cut and paste it from another source... then why did i spend six hours learning it. i dunno. the last two hours of the class are in a computer lab, so as we went over the stuff again and had "hands on experience" with it, i started surfing the web looking for jobs. i saw some interesting things, i may send out my resume and see what happens. who knows.

i don't what's going on at my current job. a new store is being built about four miles away from my home and i so very much want to transfer there when it opens, but i'm getting vibes that i'm not going to be allowed to. its tough to continue working for a company sometimes, that i have worked for 7 years and feel like i'm not getting respected. i still enjoy my job, love it as a matter of fact, but its the management that drives me nuts. they are secretive, play favorites, and just seem aloof to the whole bookselling thing. the store manager has only read one book: devil in the white city. that is the only book he can speak to. how can you manage a bookstore and not read? and he's proud of the fact! he originally managed food stores. he comes from a fancy foodstore in the southeast, its a high-falootin brand that has two names, i can never remember the name of it, though.

i really do want to be a librarian. i've decided that. for a while i wasn't sure if i really wanted to be a librarian, but after going through the classes and working my tail off for the last two years i have decided that the world of the library is for me. i want to be an academic librarian or a reference librarian, if i go the academic route i'll ahve to have more schooling. that's fine, i don't mind. i like learning, i enjoy structured classes, etc. if i go back to school, again, after im finished with this masters i'll have to look for scholarships and grants. i can't handle any more loans. i'm already broke. i'm scared to see what happens in 6 months when i have to start paying back my student loans. that's going to be the straw that breaks the back of the camel, i'm afraid.

taped to my name tag at work is the phrase "executive optimis" and i believe in that phrase. my general outlook on life is this: its only going to get better. every test i face is nothing more than a character builder. i honestly believe the 23rd psalm when it talks about "guiding through the valley" the key word there is "through." every test has a conclusion, every problem a solution, every valley a mountain, every dark spot has light. i believe the firmly. i work hard to keep that ideal in the forefront of my daily life. granted, sometimes i worry too much and forget the saying "nothing to worry about lots to think about," but i do my best.

i have said it before and i'll say it again: i'm amazed that i have gotten through this program as quickly and as well as i have. i have three weeks left and i'm done. i'll have crossed that bridge and i'll be looking for something new. who knows where i'll be in six months, or a year. i'll probbly still be in the general area i am now, but who knows. i probably won't be able to move any where because i won't be able to afford something like that, but who knows. i pray constantly that God show me where he wants me to go and that it be His will, not mine, that leads me. does that mean i should be complacent? no. just the opposite. i should be striving forward, neck stretched out and eyes forward putting one foot in front of the other. onward, onward. i'll admit, i'm scared. i don't do change very well, i think too much, i try and see all the angles of a thing, a problem. as a result i sometimes miss the boat, but not always.

i'm working in the law library tonight. i don't know how much longer that will last. will i still be here when i graduate or, because of my graduatated status will i no longer be allowed to work here? i hope i can continue to do so, i enjoy the job, but i dunno. i think i like it because its safe, its fairly easy, and its comfortable.

strangely i feel that a change is coming, from where i haven't the foggiest. i'm not sure if it will fall at my feet, or hit me over the head, or if i'll fall into it, but something is coming down the road. (i would prefer it not hit me headon, though, but if that's the case, so be it, i'm strapped in and holding on).

so where does this diatribe and introspection leave me? again, i haven't the foggiest. i feel better, i think, i've had some of this bottled up for a while. it feels good to get it out. i will continue to pray and keep my focus on God. i have to do that, if i don't i'll go nuts.

well, i think that's it. i guess i'll now and take a look at the pretty blue sky and white puffy clouds and think about whatever crosses my mind.

*reposted from opendiary.com