Saturday, July 07, 2007

April 4, 1999/July 8, 2007

I can still remember that night. I didn't know what was going to happen. My spirit was broken my Faith severely tested, I was a wreck emotionally and I felt like a failure. I sat in my room. I had fallen apart emotionally and had a serious anxiety attack in my classroom as I student taught. I couldn't do it, I just couldn't. I fell apart, and withdrew from the program. Five weeks in, five weeks left, and I just couldn't do it any more. I could barely function. I was a mess. That night, though, I sat quietly in my room reading the Bible. I remember sitting in my dad's old rocking chair. Reading quietly. Trying to make sense of everything, anything would do. I didn't have a clue where I was going or what I was going to do. At the time I was reading the Old Testement. I was reading it backwards, that is to say I started reading the smaller books at the end of the OT and then got to the bigger ones. I had tried to go from front to back a couple of times, but like most people, I got bogged down in Leviticus and Numbers. So, in a flash of brilliance I decided to read it backwards; my thinking was this: let me get some success and some momentum. It worked. That night April 4, 1999 I had gotten to Jeremiah. I was reading Jeremiah hoping to God that I would find something,anything that would make it all just click. And, low and behold, I did.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 is one of the most amazing passages I have ever read, after Acts 2:22, or maybe Ephesians 3:14-21, but it certainly is up there. It literally turned my life around in an instant. Basically, Jeramiah 29:11-14 spells it out "I have a plan for you. Don't worry about your future. I'll take care of you. Trust me." That, of course, is my paraphrase, but that's the gist of the passage. I needed those words that night. I can still remember the joy and relief I felt. I felt strenghtened by those words.

It is over eight years since I read those words for the first time and they still burn in me. Eight years ago I never would of imagined that I would be where I am today. I find myself double checking to make sure that I am in fact living my life. I can honestly say that my general optimism about life comes from this passage. Sure, things get me down and I'll sulk over the lemons, but it doesn't last long.

Right now, I am at a bit of a crossroads in my life. I am quickly coming to the end of my degree program. I'll be officially done with my masters degree in about four weeks. I'm not sure what direction I'll go in after that. I have found another masters program that would work well with my MLS, but I'm not really sure I want to do another masters that will include 1. a language, and 2. a thesis. The thesis I'm not so worried about, its the language I'm scared over. The only language I've ever actually been able to feel comfortable learning, sort of, was Hebrew. But that is neither here nor there.

I will continue to pray that God lead me where He wants me to be. I pray daily "your will be done, Lord, not mine." To some that might seem like a cop-out, but I mean it with the deepest part of my heart and Faith. I pray that God lead me where he wants me to go. I've tried to lead Him where I wanted Him to go and it didn't work out so well.

My Faith is strong.

1 comment:

thirdworstpoetinthegalaxy said...

Have you considered mission work?