Something Big is Stirring in my Brain

I keep coming back here tonight. Repetedly. I come back and hit the "compose" button look at the blank screen and watch the little black cursor blink at me in expectation and nothing happens. I move my mouse to the little red box with little white X in the middle and close down the window. Five minutes later I do the whole excercise again, but I keep finding friendly blogs of people I knew in a past life in Texas. People I cared about a great deal, but as time marched on we kind of fell out of contact. My favorites list has grown a bit longer the last few days as I add blogs to read.

I keep coming back here. I obviously have something to write, but I don't know what it is. I can feel the words rolling around in my head like big verbal boulders, but the avalanche hasn't started yet. I'm not sure what will happen when the boulders start rumbling down. I guess we'll see, won't we?

This is a Weird Place

I'm sitting here listening to, I think, Beethoven's First or Third Symphony. I suppose I could get up offa my arse and go look, but I know its Beethoven because that's the cd I have in the cd player, however, I don't know if its the 1st or the 3rd because the disk has both on it, but i just don't know how far into the cd it is. Okay, I just stood up, took a half a step and looked: 3rd symphony 2nd movement. I don't know why the disks are set up that way. Disk one is 1st & 3rd, disk 2 2&4 and so on. I'm not even sure why I wrote that mini-rant about Beethoven. I love Beethoven. His 9th symphony damn near brings me to tears everytime I hear it. When it comes to Beethoven's 9th I bet a strong case could be made that it was "God breathed" to steal a phrase from 2 Timothy.

But I didn't sign on to write about Beethoven. I don't really remember why I signed on... oh wait, yeah I do.

The last two days have been a lot of fun for me. I have discovered a lot of long lost friends' blogs. I found Brandon's blog and I found Jim's blog and I found Lee's blog. Its been fun reading them and leaving goofy comments. I don't know if they've clicked on the little links back to my blog and wondered "who the hell is this guy?" but I hope they have.

I find myself getting more and more comfortable here. I like this blog more then I did when I first started. I think I might even found blog color scheme that fits. Though, I may go back to a previous one I had. I'm still figuring it all out. I'll keep my online diary (something different entirely) but this blog is becoming something I didn't expect. Something I can be even more "real" then I thought. I can just let it all hang out, so to speak. And that makes me feel good. I don't talk real well. I tend to be quiet and sit in the corner. I like to watch the world as opposed to take an active part in it, but I write. I can get so much more out of me when I write then when I talk. I talk and I can hear cerebrial doors slam shut and see the sign that says "don't go there." When I write something happens. Doors open and sometimes I have a hard time not writing about what's behind those doors. Case in point: I read an entry in Jim's blog about the tsunami. He mentioned something about a "young man" who killed himself by hanging. I knew that guy. He was Adam. I carried so much guilt about his death for along time. I'll never forget walking around his trailer and seeing what he left behind. I'll write about that sometime. I wrote about it in my diary, but I think here I'll be able to really write about it and excise some dark, dusty corners that need excising.

I'm glad I found these blogs. Its good to reconnect. I hope they feel the same way.

Oh, I Suppose I Should Mention

I was accepted into grad school this week. I am such a geek. I'm going to be paying a lot of money to learn how to be a librarian. I've wanted to do this for a long time, but various things got in the way. A few months back I came to these conclusions:

1. I'm 30 years old and I'm not getting any younger.
2. I'm single. I'll probably single forever, but at least right now I don't have to worry about putting food on the table for a family.
3. I was scared of school after my failed attempts at: a. Student teaching and b. Seminary. It was high time to get back on that horse and ride it.
4. My brain was starting to atrophy from nonlearning.

So, I applied. Took the Gre (didn't do so hot), got my transcripts and letters of recommendation and sent it all in and on Tuesday I received a big fat envelope with a letter that said I was accepted in the Library Science Masters Program at
IUPUI, or Indiana University Purdue University of Indianapolis. I start this summer. I'll take it slow, at least at the start. A class or two. I need to get my feet wet before I jump all in.

A Shucks Gee-Whiz and Stuff

I saw this book the other day while I was on my lunch break. I made a mental note go back and look at it. I did that this evening during my dinner break. I just started laughing. Basically it is a book of pictures with people holding up signs appoligizing for not "getting the job done" and defeating George W. I found myself just chuckling. I really hope that those that lost can someday just decide to stop pouting. They're like spoiled children that didn't get their way.

chillin thoughts relaxing

sitting here listening to blues and sipping a shot of jim beam. its not dark, but its not real light either. i have a small, green shaded "bank lamp" and another somewhat nondescript lamp with an accordian like lampshade turned on. they sit on my desk. its been snowing most of the day off and on. there is snow on the ground already. its dark outside. i have a poem i wrote sitting in front of me. i need to type it out and get it just right on the page. i'll probably post it here, eventually, maybe. my bottle of jim beam is three fourths full. it cost me 12.99 for a fifth. i'll have it for a while. i don't drink to get drunk any more, at least i don't plan to. i used to do that years ago. it took me awhile, but i learned the difference between having a good time and getting stupid. you wake up enough times with a fat head and thick tongue and a vague memory of things last night enough times you'll learn. i haven't had much to write about here. i haven't had a whole lot to write here, either. i've been writing there much longer then i have here so if i do write i tend to go there first. no one reads this blog any way. i'm not changing the world or policy through this blog. i'm not bitter about that, just a fact.

My Bible

It started with a simple conversation while raking leaves in a hot, swealtering summer of a La Grange, Texas day. He and I were raking leaves trying to clean up camp because it was time for the big bar-b-que fundraiser. Camp had to be nipped and tucked and squared away. I got leaf raking duty. OUr hands hurt and were blistered. We were dirty, thirsty, tired, and I was probably on my way to sunburn. Our white t-shirts where black with yardgrime. In short, we were a mess, but we talked as we worked.

I don't remember the conversation so much or how we got onto the topic, but by the end he had ministered to me in a simple, yet profound way. He "gave me" the following Bible verse: "

And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved

." (Acts 2:21). Pow. I remember reading that over and over again. I have it circled in blue pen. That was the beginning of real Bible reading and the beginning of writing in my Bible. I didn't get to thank him until four years later. He was shocked that I remembered and that I had taken that to heart. I wrote this in the margin: "Adam Brewer "gave" this verse to me in the summer of '96. This is one of the most important "Revelations" I have had in regards to the Bible. Thank God for it!!!" It took something like that for me to get it. I'd grown up in the church, heard the stories and new the hymns. I knew when to stand up and sit down. I knew the service by heart and I could mouth the words, but at the time, I think, they had no meaning to me. Sure, I knew what they meant, but that's not what I mean. I have acted in a couple plays, I had to memorize lines and recite them back on cue. I could do that with the typical Lutheran service. It was rote. I was a the Christian equivalent of a Skinner pigeon. The light went on and I pecked at a button to get my food. It didn't mean anything, though. It just was. Acts 2:21 changed that. It opened something in me that I hadn't experienced before. I didn't realize I was thirsty until I had a taste of the water and then I couldn't get enough.

Now, my Bible is finally broken in. It is, I believe, about 18 years old. It has duct tape on the spine and the cover is starting to show some cardboard on the corners. I have, through the course of time, written verses that meant important things to me on the outside edges of the Bible. The inside front cover is a collage of things I've found in bulletins or simply made and taped in. One of the back pages is almost filled with small writing of verse notations that have struck me as I read.

This Boy Jus' Needs a Good Ol' Fashioned Spankin

Come on, Harry. What were you thinking? Naughty baby royal, naughty!