Sitting at the circ desk. Watching the baby lawyers walk by. So determined. So anxious. They walk with their heads down, not making eye contact. Its better that way, I suppose. No eye contact no social interaction. That's better, too sad. I watch them, with their heads down and their eyes to the floor and wonder if they are happy. Do they really want to do what their studying for? Is there a point where they can cut their losses? Probably not. I work with a guy who used to be a lawyer. He did it four three years. Hated it. I asked him about two weeks ago if there was a point in law school when he realized he didn't want to be a lawyer. He said yes. I asked him why he didn't quit. His answer: he was too far in and owed to much money. So he did something he hated for three years and quit. Makes me wonder about myself.
I've been trying to write poems again. That's a lie. I've thought about trying to write again, but the idea brings nothing. I can't even find a voice to try and write-- this doesn't count. It does, I suppose, but maybe writing here and other places in this form has taken the need for other writing away. I don't know.
Sitting here listening to DJ Shadow via my iPod. I have one earbud in my left ear. Its so quiet here in the library, that's a good thing, I know, but it can be a bit disconcerting sometimes. Its that whole "its quiet, too quiet" thing that gets to me. And yet, I strive for some silence in my life. Working retail makes me crave silence and fuels my misanthrope attitude. I don't hate people, really. We just wear me out.
I have had the need to paint lately, I haven't actually gone and done it, but I kind of feel the need for it. I painted for a little while in college. It was fun, but messy and a bit expensive. William Carlos Williams once said the he became a writer because he didn't feel like lugging canvas, paints and easel around. There's a lot to that, isn't there?
The music has changed to The Mystery Sonatas. It'll change to something different in a minute, thank goodness for iPod shuffle, it makes life's soundtrack so... different.
See... its now playing something from Lucky Number Sleven soundtrack. I think my iPod knows my mood: quiet contemplation. You know my favorite album I have on my iPod is the soundtrack to Rick Burns' documentary about New York City. I listen to it often. Almost too much, actually.
I wonder what kind of life will be made from my movie I'm starring in. Yeah, you read that right. That's a bit of a misquote from Kinky Friedman, a smart man. He should be president, lord knows not a candidate right now even gets me a little excited. I'm hoping for a "none of the above" option come next election day.
Any candidate that tries to cozy up to the "religious Right" makes me automatically nervous. Just like any candidate that gets too comfortable with moveon.org or something like that. I hate politics by soundbite. How did I get involve with politics?
I'm tired and contemplative. That's never a good combination. I can get depressed and go into a funk. That's not good, either. I just need a good night's sleep. A good uninterrupted night's sleep. A complete day off. I need a vacation.
I need a good, cold beer.