Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Giving Calhoon the Ball

(this one is for Microprone aka Dana he'll know why)

Its been a while since I even thought about Calhoon. Well, okay, that's a bit of a half-truth. I think about Calhoon daily. And I can hear the cheer in my head almost as often. Its a good way to keep myself in check. Calhoon was a pretty popular guy one summer at camp. Paige asked me tonight about PC. So I told her about that and then I told her that someday I'd have to tell her about Calhoon. Well, there's no time like the present is there... even if it is 0100 on tuesday morning.

Calhoon started out as a comedic skit I heard on a tape someone sent me one time. I remember listening to it and thinking: wow, there's something here that I can use. At the time I didn't have a clue as to what it was or how I could use it, but that seed was planted and it took root.

Here's the story of Calhoon:

Have you ever been to a highschool football game? Ever been to a highschool football game where your team won? Ever been to a highschool football game where you team lost? Or been to a highschool football game where your team lost real bad, I mean real bad? Have you ever been to a highschool football game where your team lost so bad that you hurt Monday morning and you didn't ever get off your but and move from the bleachers? I went to a highschoo where that was a regular occurance.

One Friday night my highschool was getting creamed. I mean we were getting the beeswax beatin out of us and it wasn't gettin any prettier. Our quarterback was getting slammed into the ground and our defensive line would of been better at knitting then defending the goal line. In short it was a massacre.

Now there was this guy on the football team named Calhoon. He was little and he never played. He didn't even get into practice very often. He was skinny and probably would fit better behind a chessboard then in a set of football pads. He didn't weigh any more then buck oh five soaking wet and that was if he was wearing heavy shoes and a sweatshirt. He was, lets be honest, not football material.

He sat at the end of the bench and tried to look inconspicuous. I'm not even sure why he was on the team, I guess everyone needs a mascot, right?

It started somewhere near the back of the hometeam (my highschool's) bleachers. It was a low rumble at first: "give Calhoon the ball!" The play out on the field kept going.

"Give Calhoon the ball!" The chant started to get louder...

"Give Calhoon the ball!!"

The stands start to get louder. "Give Calhoon the ball!" By now the whole homeside is chanting in unison: "Give Calhoon the ball!" Its get louder "GIVE CALHOON THA BALL!"

The cheerleaders start to pick it up. "GIVECALHOONTHEBALL!"

Suddenly, surprise of surprise, the OPPOSING team's bleachers start to join in the chant. "GIVE CALHOON THE BALL!" Coach is starting to look around. He's not sure what's happening...

GIVECALHOONTHABALL! It gets louder. There is a large main road that goes by my old highschool: rte 219. People started pullin off the road, gettin out of their cars and yellin with the crowd: GIVECALHOONTHEBALL!GIVECALHOONTHEBALL!GIVECALHOONTHABALL!"

The other team, starts to join in the chant; "GIVECALHOONTHEBALL!GIVECALHOONTHEBALL!GIVECALHOONTHABALL!"

The opposing team's coach starts. The stands are in an uproar. Traffic is stopped.

Suddenly, the my highschool team starts to chant it, too. "GIVECALHOONTHEBALL!GIVECALHOONTHEBALL!GIVECALHOONTHABALL!"


GIVECALHOONDABALL!GIVECALHOONDABALL!GIVECALHOONDABALL!

Calhoon tries to make himself smaller. He has fear in his eyes.

Finally, after the shelackin on the field only got worse Coach Vent sent in Calhoon. A cheer rises from the crowd.

The team huddles... and huddles again. The quarterback makes motions at Calhoon. Calhoon motions back...

Delay of game! Five yard penalty.

The crowd groans. The chant starts up again. GIVECALHOONDABALL! Fans are throwing things and stomping their feet. GIVECALHOONTHEBALL!

The football team huddles again. The whistle blows again. Another delay of game. Another five yards. By this time the stands are near mutinous and in very great danger of rioting

Finally, the quarterback steps out of the huddle and goes to the middle of the field to the fifty yard line. He puts his hands up. The crowd quiets down. You can hear a pin drop. He takes of his helmet and does a complete slow circle in the middle of the fifty. Complete silence. THe quarterback takes off his helmet and puts it on the ground. He cups his hands up to his mouth and yells...

"CALHOON SAYS HE DON'T WANT THA BALL!

The crowd is stunned... Calhoon don't want the ball? He don't WANT the BALL?

...

Imagine if you will what would of happened if Christ hadn't wanted the ball. If he had said "You know, I don't think I want to do this." What then? What would of happened?

But see, we don't have to worry about that. He took the ball and he ran it in for a touchdown. He won the game. We still play the game of life, but we're already on the winning side. Oh, sure, sometimes we may get bumped and dumped, but we get up and play on.

You see we got the best coach there is. We got the best quarterback there is. And we have the best blocker there is. And the playbook? Not a bad play in there.

You see, if you don't have Jesus on your team you don't just lose, you're already lost. You hold onto the ball. You run with it. You'll get to the redzone everytime you play. You. Can't. Lose. Because, you've already won.

There is a chant that fans of New Orleans' Saints shout when the Saints win. It goes like this: Who dat!? Who dat?! Who dat say they goan beat God's Saints? Who dat?! Who dat?! Who dat say they goan beat God's Saints?"

No one. No one is going to beat us. They can't. We're on the winning team.

WHAT DAT! WHO DAT! WHO DAT SAY THEY GOAN BEAT GOD'S SAINTS?!

4 comments:

Microprone said...

And....I remember another part to that.....WHO WANTS THE BALL!!!! WHO"S GONNA TAKE THEW BALL AND RUNN FOR THE LORD!!!! that was crazy, but cool...

disgruntled world citizen said...

Glad you remembered it, big D. I hope I got it right. Its been a while since I've talked about givin ol Calhoon a ball. I'll admit, it loses something in writing it down on a computer screen then doing it front of a bunch teenagers at night by a campfire.

paige said...

woooot!

that was a flipping cool story...and i can so relate to the whole football side of the story...well except for the fact that our high school dominates at football.

it boggles my mind...what would have happened had Christ passed the ball along to us?

scary.

j said...

I remember the first time I experienced Calhoun. I sat there in the fire light thinking "well...K has finally lost it. He finally went all the way crazy." but then I was like "k might be totally flippin nuts but what happens to Calhoun?" then everyone gets swept up in the story and...and wow. nice work p-nut